Marriage is such a divine ritual that ties two souls together. A girl always dreams of having a person who would take loving care as her dad did. “A Daddy’s princess as she was, queen of the heartthrob will she be!!”
Today, women are not any damsel in distress who want a charming prince to come to their rescue. The anime characters like Cinderella and sleeping beauty don’t apply in today’s context. Women don’t want men who could buy diamonds for them. Women are capable of getting diamonds on their own. Women are independent, and they are capable of keeping their head heels high.
Marriage vows do not base on materialistic values. The fundamental of marriage is the capability to understand each other as a person. One needs to be respectful towards each other as well as other family members. After marriage, the lives of people change. Because now the husband and wife have shared responsibilities. The spinster life is simple, revolving around one’s self.
My friend Swati and I used to discuss marriage. Swati is also searching suitable for herself. Swati says, “Hey yar, the guy whom I met the last time seemed to fear taking responsibility. He says he doesn’t seem to be prepared for marriage”. I told Swati, “I too saw this issue with the guys I met”. “With marriage comes great responsibilities”. Lots of guys are not prepared to take up these extra responsibilities.
Another issue that she commonly saw in guys was lack of commitment. She says, “I met a guy who seemed way too busy. He never initiated texting. Every time I have to come forward to text him and call him for a meeting. He doesn’t show any interest from his side. It feels to me as if he least interested.” Many times I have also seen this kind of disinterested behaviour in guys. It seems like either they are being forced into this marriage stuff. Such behaviour is uncanny and rude.
Some guys are way too workaholic. They pretend to show that they are busy. They seem to showcase how predominant their work is over any other thing. Some are way too money-minded/lifestyle-oriented that they want a girl’s package equivalent to theirs. Some want a great lifestyle and luxury. But marriage isn’t a metric where one should compare the net worth of a person based on income and finance. There are metrics too like frequency of thoughts, mutual understanding and compatibility. Marriage isn’t a money-making deal, but a selfless investment with a lifetime commitment.
Swati and I are in our late-twenties, and our quest for finding the right partner continues. The process is really draining. Parents are also worried about their daughter’s welfare. But groom search isn’t hassle-free stuff. It involves lots of patience and efforts. Being a girl puts up a lot of family pressure but believe me, it’s just a phase. Stand up to yourself and wait for the right person.
In my upcoming blogs, I will write about various experiences I had when I met the guy for the first time for an arranged marriage proposal. The experiences which I would share with you maybe some of you can easily relate to yourself. Have you also been through such situations or have you met any such person? Do let me know in the comment section.
As we are heading in this modern generation, our values seem to go backdated at times. Maybe it could be like bringing the retro fashion back into the twenties era. I don’t know how much role a horoscope plays in a person’s life. But as history tells, some of the parents born at their times didn’t have proper birth dates even. Still, our parents got married, and they are living a better-married life.
Is it right to keep horoscope the only metric for marriage?
If things go bad in a relationship, then it’s because of those two people who have a conflict of opinions. One partner doesn’t agree with others. If there are compatibility issues or quite often it may be due to the mismatch in the frequency of their understanding. But, these people conveniently blame it to the fate written by planets and stars.
Very often, families give priority to check the horoscopes of the bride and groom. Only if, there is any good score the family proceeds with the proposal. Else they reject the proposal outright.
I have seen a lot of couples whose horoscope have a good score (34/36), yet those couples have an unsuccessful marriage. Some couples fight a lot. There are lots of compatibility issues. They have lots of difference of opinions, and they quarrel a lot.
A bad marriage could be due to many other reasons. One of my friends suffered constant disrespect from her in-laws. While the other friend felt her husband was way more dependent on her financially. Another friend had an egoistic partner, who valued his profession over hers. Yet, another friend whose wife falsely accused him of having extramarital affairs.
If horoscope was only the right metric of getting married, then why do we see so many failed marriages? The outlook of marriage is gauged wrongly. The right metrics are mutual respect, understanding, supporting each other’s life goals and the nature to adjust with the given situation and person.
Twenty eight points is still not a good score!
Suresh’s profile was forwarded to us by his parents. Suresh and I decided to meet one fine day. But when the decided day approached, I asked him where to meet? To this, he replied that his dad checked with a priest, and the horoscope didn’t turn out good because our “nadi” is the same. Though our total score is good but due to the same nadi we may not be able to proceed with the proposal.
Suresh further said, “If you are still willing to meet me, we can meet?” I wondered why one would like to meet someone who isn’t going to take this proposal further. What’s the f***king point? I said to him. “Suresh, let’s assume that we meet and it turns that we like each other. Will this change your decision for not considering the horoscope?”
Suresh replied, “Nope, my family’s decision won’t change at all.” I replied to him, “Then I don’t see any point in meeting you”.
Meeting Another guy
Corona – The pandemic Times
Several months passed, and due to this corona situation, the whole world turned up-down. The sudden lockdown was laid on the whole nation. Borders were sealed, transportation was cut off, and people were forced to lock themselves up into their houses. With every passing day, people started to fear for lives as well as livelihood. Lots of people had to lose their jobs. Amongst them, even I had to suffer from losing my job. My brother also suffered from salary pay cut of 30%.
After several months as and when people started to get accustomed to this new pandemic situation. When inter-state borders opened up, people started to transit from cities back to their home towns. One fine day, my dad got a call from Rajesh’s dad. They discussed a marriage proposal between Rajesh and me. But due to corona situation, Rajesh and I could not meet anywhere out. We had a formal conversation over the phone for about an hour. He seemed to be very understanding, calm and nice person. I could see a ray of hopes in the moments of darkness. But who knew it would be just a momentary happiness.
Rajesh – the commitment phobic
About after a month, things started to get better during the pandemic. The government decided to open up the sealed borders between the states. Rajesh and I decided to meet up in a restaurant to meet each other.
Rajesh seemed to be a sweet person. He was well-spoken, well mannered. He kept his opinions with good clarity. We went to the BBQ and had dinner. We discussed a lot of things. I asked him about his expectations from his partner. He said to me, “I want an independent girl, who will continue her job even after marriage. Also take care and respect my parents”. I too told him, “I expect the sense of responsibility from him, support in the career development, love and respect for my family.”
Rajesh told me how he likes to travel a lot. He loves travelling by bike. He loves trekking etc. I too told him that I love travelling, reading novels and painting. He seemed to open up several discussions on how he loved his job. He had travelled up to several places in India. He enjoys eating several cuisines. He likes to explore various cities and enjoy their culture.
For 2 hours, we were chattering and smiling. We became fast friends as we spoke delightfully. I felt a slight connection.
I went back to my home and told my parents that Rajesh seems to be a sweet person. And also meets up to my expectations. And somewhere I think even I stand up to his expectations.
But due to this lockdown, Rajesh decided to shift back to his hometown with his parents. We waited for him to reach back to his town and tell his parents about me. But several days passed, and he seemed to get busy with his hefty workload. His parents asked him what he felt about me. He said to them that he liked me.
This gave a green signal to both the parties. Both the parties started to get excited. They started to discuss fixing up the meeting with the parents. Discussed fixing the venue for engagement and things started to pace up. Rajesh was not aware of how the process started to speed up. When his family informed him about this, he seemed to go off-balance. He was not prepared for this sudden change. He said to his family, “I AM NOT PREPARED TO GET MARRIED. I AM NOT SURE ABOUT MARRIAGE.” And his family informed the same to my dad.
When discussing about this at my home, I said my dad, “Rajesh’s statements sound to me blunt and how foolish. How can one be so ruthless and uncertain? If he was so uncertain about marriage why the heck did he waste our family’s energy and time? For about 2 months he had been discussing his future with me and all for no reason at all.”
What I understood from this episode?
Guys who say that they are not prepared for marriage, fear losing their freedom. They freak out about taking responsibility in a marriage. They feel strangulated in a bond. Marriage is not bondage. It is a beautiful journey to enjoy. There might occur some ups and downs, but eventually, it’s the understanding between the partners that shape their lives. Did anyone of you come across such person? How did you react to such a response? Do let me know in the comments below.
Marriage is a blissful thing, but the process involved behind it is really very stressful! Today, I’ll continue my quest for finding the groom. To understand the context of my today’s blog, please visit my previous blog “Jumbling on marriage strings, will he be “the one”?
Monte – The “X” factor guy
In our life, we come across lots of people. But some of them leave a mark, maybe in a good way or say satirical. Let me say I am much of a Chandler Bing fan. I like humour and sarcasm. So today, I am writing about my experience of meeting Monte. And believe me, Monte left a mark on my mind!!
Monte is highly qualified. He works in a reputed firm. He carries that aura of nobody could ever be perfect as he is. Monte loves to talk a lot. He belongs to the category “I know almost everything about anything”. You will understand what I mean shortly.
Monte invited me to meet at the CCD one evening. I as usually got ready, and we decided to meet up after office hours. He arrived almost 30 mins late as he was running late from a meeting. He then formally introduced about himself- his job, work role etc. He seemed to boast how good he is in managing his team members and how much organized he stayed about his work. I quietly listened and nodded to whatever he said. Monte asked me about me- my work, my job role etc. and explained him everything.
Monte asked me, “What are your hobbies”?
I said,” reading novels, painting and listening songs”.
Monte said,” I loved playing santoor. I am very passionate about learning this instrument, and I attend weekend classes too”. He further asked me, “Aren’t you more passionate about learning music or playing an instrument?” I said, “I didn’t find to learn music, though I love singing. Maybe when I find time I can give it a thought”.
Monte asked, “Do you give a speech on stage or participated in JAM (just a min) topics?” I felt like why does this even matter. But I told him that I used to participate in school days, but in corporate life, I never got such a chance. Monte asked, “Can you talk instantly on any topic if I ask you now?” I rolled my eyes what the heck is he expecting. I said, “I may not be able to speak about any random topic. It depends on the subject of interest”.
Monte spoke on and on about several topics like weather, food, lifestyle etc. For each and everything, he had his list of views. The one topic which intrigued me more was about – Should human beings eat non-veg or not? I told him that it doesn’t matter to me whether my partner prefers veg or non-veg. It is his personal preference. But Monte had his theory, he said to me,” Human beings are not designed to consume non-veg. I have done a lot of research on this. Humans do not have lengthy digestive tracks hence it’s difficult for them to digest flesh”. This theory blew off my mind, sarcastically indeed. Our ancestors and early men were cavemen, and the source of food was hunting. But I preferred to rather run away from this place than a counter debate on this. Monte was chattering about omnivores, carnivores and herbivores theory that I felt as though as I was sitting in a biology class. My mind was wandering off to far off lands where there was nothing but peace.
Monte also said, “I want a partner who would not just be in the audience and clap for him. She should be someone who could outperform everyone, and I should clap for her. She should always be the center of attraction.” I felt like he thinks himself as a celebrity, who deserves something exceptional.
Monte asked me, “Do you like to have a pet?”
I said to him,” I never had a pet in my house. I don’t have any experience with a pet.”
Monte said,” I would love to have a dog for luxury.”
I said, “I would love to do charity with extra money. I don’t want to have a pet just for luxury.”
The X- factor?
Monte asked me lots of queries to know more about how I react to any given situation. What type of person am I? If were an atheist? Etc. after analyzing everything he said that he and I had lots of things in common. To any person who is looking for a partner would think this as a plus point, but to him, this wasn’t a matter to feel happy about. He said, “You don’t seem to have that “X-factor”. I felt really raged, anguished and at the same time frustrated, but also quite relieved that I actually couldn’t accept such a strong-headed, self-centered, arrogant and boastful person as my partner. Monte seems to have his pre-notion about every topic. He thinks whatever opinion he held about anything is of great value. Have you met such men in your life? What do you think? Do let me know in the comments below.
Dad found a guy that perfectly suited my profile. He talked with his parents. Both his and my parents agreed that Som and I met each other first. I called Som and we decided to meet at CCD. So the next day I woke up all excited and also a little nervous. This was my very first time to meet a guy for a marriage proposal. My mom advised me to wear a salwar and talk politely with the guy. But me being me, I wore a normal top and jeans. I wanted to present myself as I am and not as any fake person.
I reached CCD all dressed up, anxious, and nervous at the same time. He was waiting there in the lobby. We exchanged awkward smiles and seated ourselves. He ordered coffee for both of us. He started telling more about himself – his career, his job role, his family. He even discussed some of his future goals about settling in a different city so on.
I also told him about my career goals. My futuristic approach towards my career and family. My hobbies, how I like to travel a lot and explore various things. These were some of the common things that we discussed for some time.
Som was a very chattering person. He seems to love talking a lot! He was making fun of how mechanical guys shy away from talking with girls. Mechanical guys didn’t have any fellow female classmate. He cracked jokes for which he himself laughed a lot! Little awkward right? But I enjoyed the fact that he was trying to create an aura to lighten up the atmosphere.
I asked som, “What are your expectations from your life partner?” Som said, “I want a life partner who is more homely and family oriented”. I asked him, “Since your wife will be a working woman, would you help her in the kitchen?” He answered that kitchen are well maintained by women only, since it’s their department. I counter questioned him if he was ok with keeping house help for cooking and maintaining the house. To which he casually said that he prefers eating food made by his wife rather than any house help.
Som asked me, “What type of a person you are?” Obviously, nobody will say they are bad. I said, “I am good person”. To which he laughed and asked, “I meant how do you analyze yourself when you are alone?” I said the right way to understand any person is when you start living with that person. And to understand an overview of that person is to obverse how he/she behaves with the other people around them.
Som then further questioned me, “Would you continue working after your pregnancy?” I shrewdly answered that I would continue working. He asked if career really mattered to me over a newly born baby. I said there are several mothers out there who continue working as well take care of her child. He went about telling example of his friend’s wife who didn’t quit her job after her child’s birth. I explained him that we need not relate every family’s problems to us. And such critical decisions are circumstantial.
I asked him, “Would you have any restrictions on your partner’s dressing style?” He said that he has modern outlook, so dresses didn’t really matter except no short skirts or mini dresses. He didn’t prefer his partner to wear such dresses.
We talked for about two hours and it became almost lunchtime. I started to feel famished. But som’s conversations seem to have no end. I thought it would be awkward to ask him out for lunch also I was not interested to further extend the talks. In my mind, I already decided that he isn’t the person whom I can spend the rest of my life!!
why he is not “the one” ?
Well, any independent girl would want her freedom and space. Some of the views which Som had, weren’t quite agreeable. For instance, he wasn’t comfortable with sharing household work. He also constantly kept his views post-pregnancy. Marriage works on partner’s constant support in happiness and sadness. Also, keeping restrictions on a person’s attire is not quite reasonable. He also presented his pre-defined notion about marriage and compared his friend’s marital life.
Hi, women out there. Have you come across men like Som? Do share your experience if you had any. write to me or share your comments below.